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Where I Am.
Aug. 18th, 2012 03:55 amLeaving for college today.
The other night at class my instructor told me that I seemed to have "gotten my gusto back" for agility. I didn't really get what she meant at first, at least I didn't really understand what she saw in the way I was running agility that night as opposed to previous classes. I didn't really know what she meant, but yet when she said it I smiled and I knew she was right. While "gusto" may not be the word I would choose I have definitely gotten something back, something I feel like I lost around this time last year. Something that goes much deeper than agility. I think depression would describe the past year to a certain degree although I don't want to go as far as to make that assertion and I don't want to self-diagnose. All I know is that there was some essential part of who I was that flickered out. It has to do with a sort of peace of mind at the world and what it dished out to me. I had a lot of "its just not fair" moments.
Even though I spend a large amount of my time pondering the mysteries of life and my place in the world, I try not to get too philosophical on here. I can never really put into words exactly how I feel about big universe things and when I try to it usually just comes out as something like "Wow the world is awesome and people are awesome!!" Which is totally true and all, but not quite how I want to put it. So I get self conscious about my philosophical musings. And when that happens I litter the post with photos so most people will just skip over the text all together and look at my cute dog.
I know that everything I have done and everything that has happened has led me to this moment. And I am so incredibly glad to be here, in this moment. No I am not always happy or certain and things are not perfect, but here is exactly where I need to be. There are days when I want to turn and run from the decisions I have made and the things that have happened around me, but the only thing I can do is keep moving forward with what I have. Even when things seem to go totally askrew I always end up right where I realize I need to be. Funny how that works, huh? The best thing is that I have really truly amazing people in my life that aren't going away just because I am (physically). I am only sad that it took me nearly a year to realize that.
The other night at class my instructor told me that I seemed to have "gotten my gusto back" for agility. I didn't really get what she meant at first, at least I didn't really understand what she saw in the way I was running agility that night as opposed to previous classes. I didn't really know what she meant, but yet when she said it I smiled and I knew she was right. While "gusto" may not be the word I would choose I have definitely gotten something back, something I feel like I lost around this time last year. Something that goes much deeper than agility. I think depression would describe the past year to a certain degree although I don't want to go as far as to make that assertion and I don't want to self-diagnose. All I know is that there was some essential part of who I was that flickered out. It has to do with a sort of peace of mind at the world and what it dished out to me. I had a lot of "its just not fair" moments.
Even though I spend a large amount of my time pondering the mysteries of life and my place in the world, I try not to get too philosophical on here. I can never really put into words exactly how I feel about big universe things and when I try to it usually just comes out as something like "Wow the world is awesome and people are awesome!!" Which is totally true and all, but not quite how I want to put it. So I get self conscious about my philosophical musings. And when that happens I litter the post with photos so most people will just skip over the text all together and look at my cute dog.
I know that everything I have done and everything that has happened has led me to this moment. And I am so incredibly glad to be here, in this moment. No I am not always happy or certain and things are not perfect, but here is exactly where I need to be. There are days when I want to turn and run from the decisions I have made and the things that have happened around me, but the only thing I can do is keep moving forward with what I have. Even when things seem to go totally askrew I always end up right where I realize I need to be. Funny how that works, huh? The best thing is that I have really truly amazing people in my life that aren't going away just because I am (physically). I am only sad that it took me nearly a year to realize that.