Where I Am.
Aug. 18th, 2012 03:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aardogsLeaving for college today.
The other night at class my instructor told me that I seemed to have "gotten my gusto back" for agility. I didn't really get what she meant at first, at least I didn't really understand what she saw in the way I was running agility that night as opposed to previous classes. I didn't really know what she meant, but yet when she said it I smiled and I knew she was right. While "gusto" may not be the word I would choose I have definitely gotten something back, something I feel like I lost around this time last year. Something that goes much deeper than agility. I think depression would describe the past year to a certain degree although I don't want to go as far as to make that assertion and I don't want to self-diagnose. All I know is that there was some essential part of who I was that flickered out. It has to do with a sort of peace of mind at the world and what it dished out to me. I had a lot of "its just not fair" moments.
Even though I spend a large amount of my time pondering the mysteries of life and my place in the world, I try not to get too philosophical on here. I can never really put into words exactly how I feel about big universe things and when I try to it usually just comes out as something like "Wow the world is awesome and people are awesome!!" Which is totally true and all, but not quite how I want to put it. So I get self conscious about my philosophical musings. And when that happens I litter the post with photos so most people will just skip over the text all together and look at my cute dog.
I know that everything I have done and everything that has happened has led me to this moment. And I am so incredibly glad to be here, in this moment. No I am not always happy or certain and things are not perfect, but here is exactly where I need to be. There are days when I want to turn and run from the decisions I have made and the things that have happened around me, but the only thing I can do is keep moving forward with what I have. Even when things seem to go totally askrew I always end up right where I realize I need to be. Funny how that works, huh? The best thing is that I have really truly amazing people in my life that aren't going away just because I am (physically). I am only sad that it took me nearly a year to realize that.
The other night at class my instructor told me that I seemed to have "gotten my gusto back" for agility. I didn't really get what she meant at first, at least I didn't really understand what she saw in the way I was running agility that night as opposed to previous classes. I didn't really know what she meant, but yet when she said it I smiled and I knew she was right. While "gusto" may not be the word I would choose I have definitely gotten something back, something I feel like I lost around this time last year. Something that goes much deeper than agility. I think depression would describe the past year to a certain degree although I don't want to go as far as to make that assertion and I don't want to self-diagnose. All I know is that there was some essential part of who I was that flickered out. It has to do with a sort of peace of mind at the world and what it dished out to me. I had a lot of "its just not fair" moments.
Even though I spend a large amount of my time pondering the mysteries of life and my place in the world, I try not to get too philosophical on here. I can never really put into words exactly how I feel about big universe things and when I try to it usually just comes out as something like "Wow the world is awesome and people are awesome!!" Which is totally true and all, but not quite how I want to put it. So I get self conscious about my philosophical musings. And when that happens I litter the post with photos so most people will just skip over the text all together and look at my cute dog.
I know that everything I have done and everything that has happened has led me to this moment. And I am so incredibly glad to be here, in this moment. No I am not always happy or certain and things are not perfect, but here is exactly where I need to be. There are days when I want to turn and run from the decisions I have made and the things that have happened around me, but the only thing I can do is keep moving forward with what I have. Even when things seem to go totally askrew I always end up right where I realize I need to be. Funny how that works, huh? The best thing is that I have really truly amazing people in my life that aren't going away just because I am (physically). I am only sad that it took me nearly a year to realize that.
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Date: 2012-08-18 02:56 pm (UTC)I'm excited to read about your college experiences, the friends you meet, the new worlds you will explore. It's all very exciting. And the best part, is that everything gets so much better with age and experience. Like OMG better;)
Good Luck with your move, give Panic a big fat hug from me.